Monday, February 1, 2010

Going After Your Man

I'm old fashioned. I was brought up to believe that you don't chase men; they've got to go after you. And if that guy of your dreams doesn't? Then he's just not that into you. Forget about him, baby. Move on.

My high school years revolved around crushes on guys who barely knew I existed. I learned my lesson. Take what you can get, don't chase stars. If he really liked you, he'd show it.

The most that us weaker sex can do is reciprocate. Subtly show we are interested, show the admiration is mutual. Hope he'll be encouraged, will work up the courage to ask us out.

The only problem is, I still haven't quite figured out how to do that. Flirting isn't something we were taught in Bais Yaacov. My 'subtle' is probably another girl's 'get lost'. And what if he's shy, nervous, scared? Or he thinks some insurmountable hurdle stands in the way, an issue you don't even care about? Or he simply never thought about you that way before, and somebody needs to light the switch in his mind?

There is another way. And it can work. A guest post from the keyboard of a happily pursued (and now married) man:

I met my wife in passing once. I went to college with her older brother. I didn't really give her a second thought, because she was so much younger. To me she was just my friend's sister.

She, however, was very interested in me. She found excuses to either come by with her brother to see me, or bump into me in various places. We struck up a sort of flirty friendship, over a few weeks. It slowly made its way over to regular phone calls.

A week later I broke my leg. And it was the perfect excuse for her to come over to my apartment to check and see how I was doing. That act made me think of her differently. One week later, when we were talking, she asked me out. I said of course.

The dating only lasted for a year. Then we got married.

Why did I *make* her ask me out?

Too often the guy does all the pursuing because he likes the girl. Usually, because he is very attracted, for one reason or another. As such, his feelings are pretty much known to all. But the guy is left guessing as to how the girl feels. Is she in it because she just wants company until something better comes along? Does she just like the free meals she's getting?

Though most guys won't admit it, it's nice to be pursued. As great a feeling as it is for a girl to be courted, it feels even better for a guy.

At least, that's what I was waiting for. I always told my friends, if a girl ever asked me out, no matter what she looked like, where she was from, etc., I would say 'absolutely' and go out with her, and pay for the whole date too. When someone can make themselves that vulnerable to another, that, in and of itself, is reason enough to give it a shot.

Bottom line, never say no, and it never hurts to ask...

So girls, what do you say? Should we start asking them out?


  1. Cute, but how do we know this is what's going through all the male brains out there?

  2. Well, Anonymous, you could just ask us males in some kind of public, anonymous discussion. Can't imagine where we'd find such a thing though ;)

    So yes, I, male #2, indeed do support Happily-Persued man's opinions.

    (By the way, we so-called stronger sex, also spent many a school day revolved around crushes on girls who barely knew we existed. - Except that we know they're more intuitive than us, and so they probably *did* know that we existed, and chose to ignore us anyway. Great for our confidence..)

  3. Aw, I thought men were supposed to be the brave ones and step up to get the crushing done. They always seemed more elastic, anyway.

  4. "The Vampire" (1897)
    Rudyard Kipling

    A fool there was and he made his prayer
    (Even as you and I!)
    To a rag and a bone and a hunk of hair
    (We called her the woman who did not care)
    But the fool he called her his lady fair
    (Even as you and I!)

    Oh, the years we waste and the tears we waste
    And the work of our head and hand
    Belong to a woman who did not know
    (And now we know that she never could know)
    And did not understand!

    A fool there was and his goods he spent
    (Even as you and I!)
    Honour and faith and a sure intent
    (And it wasn't the least what the lady meant)
    But a fool must follow his natural bent
    (Even as you and I!)

    Oh the toil we lost and the spoil we lost
    And the excellent things we planned
    Belong to the woman who didn't know why
    (And now we know that she never knew why)
    And did not understand!

    The fool was stripped to his foolish hide
    (Even as you and I!)
    Which she might have seen as she threw him aside
    (But it isn't on record the lady tried)
    So some of him lived but the most of him died
    (Even as you and I!)

    And it isn't the shame and it isn't the blame
    That stings like a white hot brand
    It's coming to know that she never knew why
    (Seeing, at last, she could never knew why)
    And never could understand!

  5. I just realized why its callled a crush. Because the othe rparty usually crushes you by saying no.... *lightbulb lights in head*

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  7. im agreeing with the writer. I know guys who wouldn't ask a girl out because they are afraid of getting their feelings squashed. As for the hurdle,

    As for the flirting, i've dated quite a few 'aidel' BY girls who were great flirts.

  8. That's a great Rudyard Kipling poem!

  9. As a male I confirm that a girl should step up and show she is interested in a guy.

  10. I once asked a guy out. He said that he was on a break from his girlfriend for a week. Whatever that meant.

  11. I agree with harry-er than them all.

    I'll just add that some men will not initiate a conversation with a women, even if he thinks she might enjoy the conversation, because he knows that women are used to be pursued and she will see him as just another animal out on the hunt.

  12. Ok, here's the point of view of a woman whom you'd probably never call "frum." (I did have a very "traditional" South American upbringing in the sense of social mores. The "mishpaj√°" wasn't particularly religiously observant. Socially strict, you bet.)

    I've never had a horrible experience when I've asked a guy out the few times that I have (it has nothing to do with being a "cheap woman", by the way). I'm don't possess an unbreakable ego. The first time, I did it as a sort of self-dare. Worst case scenario: a "no." I'd still be alive, albeit not ecstatic. Granted, I didn't just go up to someone I didn't know and ask him out. The guys I asked to have coffee with me were a friend of a friend and a college classmate. So the "happily married man's" story rings a bell.

    The guys in question did find it refreshing and did agree to the dates. The best part, though, was the effect it had on me -- I felt less like a deer caught in the headlights and a little more confident in my ability to say "yes" or "no" gently to a request for a date, having been in that position myself. It also gave me the confidence and insight to not send mixed messages to guys who were headed in my direction but in whom I wasn't interested.

    I've become observant with time, and I find that what I just wrote still holds true. I haven't asked a guy out lately :-), but I would do it again if the situation called for it.

    Just my $0.02!