Saturday, April 28, 2012

Five ways to show I'm not Pregnant

1.Throw back shots of whiskey. Liquor will do too. Anythig with high alchohol content. If no drinks are available, complain loudly about lack of booze.

2. Tell tall tales of extreme sports. Recent bungee jumps or skydiving is best. If the most adventurous you've been is walking up the steps insead of taking the elevator, lie loudly or make fictitious plans for next week.

3.Ostentatiously carry packs of feminine hygiene products into bathroom. Enough said. 

4. Ask to be the kvatter at a Brit

5. Leave a packet of contraceptive pills lying around

What not to do:

- Wearing tunic tops or any form of baggy clothes is stricly forbidden. Wear tight and form fitting clothes only. (Sorry rabbi.)

- Never be sick, Ever. If you are sick, don't tell anybody. Nausea is off limits, whatever virus you have.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Yeshiva Guys are Pedophiles

Events of the past week have fortified my belief. Yeshiva guys are all pedophiles. And so are their moms.

I get a frantic phone call from Mrs. Mom-of-Yeshiva-Guy.

“She’s 25! 25, not 24!”
 “Does she look her age?”
“Her age?”
 “You know, does she still look young, or does her age show?”

 Her age. In any other western society except for the one I live in (and possibly Mormons too) twenty five is considered young. In fact, women are considered to peak in the late twenties and early thirties – according to Cosmolitan. Check out the average age of most female celebrities (who aren’t exactly famous based on their IQ)

 But Yeshiva guys like them young. High school girls are illegal, but the good news is that most eighteen and nineteen year olds, fresh out of seminary in their sweatshirts and ponytails, still look like high school girls (and sound like them too)

 Then there’s the fact that by the time an average Charedi woman hits her mid twenties, she’s after three pregnancies, and hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep in who knows how long. Plus she’s wearing a scarf, or at best a wig. Let’s just say she’s had prouder moments, looks wise (Nachas wise is another thing, we’re being shallow here).

 So yeah, maybe the typical Charedi woman in her mid twenties looks ten years older than her biological age. But please don’t generalize about the rest of us. When we find grey hairs, we’ll let you know.