Monday, November 23, 2009

Is Blogging Tznius?

Or more to the point, is my blog Tznius? Got some not-so-positive feedback recently. Here's my response.

Being a Bais Yaacov girl means many things. Most of them are good. I made a conscious decision to study in the places I did, to belong to the society I do. I don't regret it.

But along with the schooling came a pattern. The pattern of Chareidi society at large, perhaps. What not to say, where not to go.

When I was in high school it was non Jewish music, movies, boys. These subjects were taboo. Good girls didn't even think of them, at least not aloud.

Even now, in the discussions of "kids going off the derech" flourishing in the Frum press, so many theories are produced, for what drives teenage boys and girls to hang out together. What they never mention is hormones. Awakening needs, wants, temptations. Teenage boys want to be with girls, teenage girls want to be with boys. Sometimes it's as simple as that.

Some kids do it. Do the forbidden, the banned. They are branded as at risk.
They cross the red lines. Other's don't. The kids who behave according the rules are embraced. These are the top Bais Yaacov girls, the prize Yeshiva students. No one ever thinks that they too may be battling temptation every day.

I used to envy my friends in the more modern schools. Not because they were allowed to do more than me, but because in their their schools they spoke about it, openly. They could, and did, question, discuss, seek advice, all without fearing disgrace.

When we grew up not much changed. As least not for those of us still single. Now it's the Shidduch- crises, not the Kids-at-risk crises. Again the debates as to causes and symptoms.

But again so much is left unsaid, unacknowledged. It's not only about being left behind, while peers move on to the next stage in life. It's not only about being in a strange limbo, with no defined place in society. It's not only about burn out, and fears for the future.

There is another factor too. We are Frum, we do follow Halachah, we do work on Emunah and Bitachon and want to build true Torah homes. But we are also human beings, mature men and women, struggling with desires, some of them physical, battling with pulls in different directions, every day.

I'd like my blog to reflect this, the different facets that together make up being a Frum single girl in the 21st century, with all that that entails.

Some of you don't feel my blog is Tznius, or appropriate. My apologies.


  1. Wow. Personally, I'm glad that you found an outlet and I think that even your detractors can agree that it's a pretty harmless one. BY girls are people, too!

    Disclaimer: I'm not a BY girl myself, just one of those "phony baloney" MO Jews... ;)

  2. i hate that the world talks of the "shidduch crisis" as a bunch of unmarried men and women who are "waiting to start families" but they neglect the emotional and hormonal needs which are lacking. thanks for acknowledging!

  3. You think they didn't have the same hormones in previous generations?!?

    Clealry that's not the factor for things going differently today.

    (Your blog may be tznius, but it isn't necessarily hashkofa-ly mature.)

  4. I personally love your blog and can relate to so much of what you post.
    It's one of the funnier ones and really well written.
    I don't see any hashkafa/tznius problems with it, though I can see why very insulated people might....
    However, reality is such that most "older single" BY girls(including myself) reach a point where they feel somewhat like they are on the fringes of frum society, outsiders looking in, if you will, and when you reach that point you see things through a different frame of reference.
    I don't mean becoming bitter or cynical or less frum--you are simply in a position where you see things from a different angle, things that people on the inside don't see or don't want to acknowledge.

  5. At least you're not going through geirus and being told your blog makes you immodest ...

  6. If you don't think it's tznius, don't read it.

  7. as long as you keep things anonymous, I don't see tznius issues...


  8. Is commenting tznius?

  9. "You think they didn't have the same hormones in previous generations?!?"

    Yes they did but they got married from the age of 15-18 so it was way different.

  10. Okay,I'm MO and speak good enough hebrew (and I understand most hebrew), and I've noticed most people use "tznius" as an adjective. Tznius/tzniut is a noun. Asking "is my blog tznius,' is saying, 'is my blog modesty." The word you want is tznua.

    That said, I love your blog-you're a great writer!

  11. if you "don't regret" joining chareidi society, why are most of your blogs so critical of it?

  12. A lot of girls, like bat mitzvah age are starting blogs over at It seems innocent enough