Wednesday, June 3, 2009

My (not) perfect family

A new reason not to date me: My father is dead.

It seems chareidi boys are looking for picture perfect families.

Or is it that losing a parent is something put together girls simply don’t do (the same way they would never be caught without makeup) so it makes me a nebach type?

I've got it, maybe it shows I'm not frum enough? Yeah that must be it. If I was really frum, and I davened, obviously God would have listened to me and left him alive.

You'd think, with all the in-law jokes circling, and after all the M.Amitz horror stories in Mishpacha magazine, people would be glad to have one less parent-in-law. Seems not.

Basically- if you're in shidduchim, ask your relatives to kindly refrain from dying until you're safely married off.

Ps. The ironic thing is (not that I advocate killing off all parents), losing someone definitely makes you more mature, thoughtful, wiser, and well- better. At least in my books.


  1. ive gone out with a few guys who only had one parent living. i didnt think it was anything against them

  2. Lol... Baruch Dayan Hamet, sorry to hear about your dad.
    If you really want to get married, buy yourself an apartment. Nothing screams sexy in the chardi world like a girl who comes with a dera.
    (even my little sister only buys the dolls that come with the little house)

    Trust me, You say "dera" they say "will you?"

  3. Speaking anonymously, one of the most impressive people I have ever met had one of her parents die.

    It certainly isn't a cause/effect thing, but mortality is for the most part lost on people until they confront it.

  4. People have these ridiculous ideals that are largely grounded in physical things. They probably picture an ideal father-in-law who will provide financially and so nix the shidduch without that aspect. Other shallow considerations I've heard of is a minimum height requirement for women -- and not just from men who top 6 feet!

  5. Are you kidding me? Are people really refusing to date you because your father has passed away? That is insane.
    Anyway who passes up a shidduch for that reason has got to be monumentally stupid. So you are truly better off without them.
    I wish you a lot of hatzlacha finding a man who values you for who you are. There ARE decent men out there, and one of them is waiting for you.

  6. OK, how about they did not want to date you so they made it up, I know a Guy who this happens to all the time they want a workingand after one date ssays I want a learning guy and it happens to him alll the time They are trying to be nice and not tell him sorry buddy you got no personality.

  7. It's not the first time I wonder about the callousness of the shidduch system.

    Other occasions were:
    1) when a widower told me he would not have married his wife if he had known that she would die at age 24.

    2) When I learned that a girl with diabetes should hide her disease for fear that her brothers would not make "good shidduchim"

    3) when I learned that some families hid their down syndrom child for the same reason (I hope that at least this one is over now)

    I concluded that the whole shidduch system is no more than a breeding fair. The way you would do it with horses or cows.

  8. Shoshi I wonder would you marry into This type of family with a Genetic disease higly likely or did You takr the DOR YESHARIM test if so that would make you Hippocritical

  9. People not only hid their diabetes so as not to reflect on siblings but hid it from the people they were dating and their shadchanim. They only reveal their conditions when they are at the point of getting engaged.

    Anyway, the Anonymous suggestion that this is a "polite" refusal makes no sense at all the shidduch was rejected out of hand with this excuse. It does not sound like after a lousy date the guy say, "She was nice, bu I can't marry a yesoma!"

  10. It could be worse: Check this out.

  11. Sorry to hear about your father passing, sounds like it happened a while ago. I admire your strength. I think it's crazy that people won't date you for that, and they are obviously not right for you. Good luck!

    And today is R' Yonason ben Uziel's Yortzeit, supposed to be a segulah if you go to his kever, for finding your zivug or something.

  12. I am not so sure about that - my mom died when I was 6 and I still act like I'm 12

  13. Wow this post raised a storm.

    Ironic because I usually try not to vent :-)

    I even got Bad4Shidduchim pondering dumping people from unhealthy families. Chek out my reply over at her place.

    Basically, in my case it's not genetic, and it's not a question of money either. It's just a society striving to avoid any unpleasantness, and take control over all facets of life, including mortality.

    Ps. Heshy- Maybe that's why you don't act like you're 6? Maturity is relative;-)

  14. i also lost my father, and i have also gotten no's because of it. the most shocking part of that is it specifically states in the torah that we're supposed to take care of orphans.

  15. Sorry, but I want to say that the hiding your diabetes should not, and usually is not, becuase of your siblings shidduch chances.
    I don't love my siblings enough to go to all the trouble I do, hiding my diabetes, just for them. Sorry.
    I don't hide it completely, but to the extent that I do, it's for a number of reasons.
    Firstly, I don't need people pitying me, nor do I need them to tell me how to take care of myself.
    Also, I won't pretend that shidduchim doesnt play into it at all. Ideally, I want to go out with a guy and let him formulate an opinion on ME, then let him know I have diabetes, rather than try to go out with someone, and having him think of me as just a DIABETIC.

  16. Anyone who needs to be reminded how Torah Jews should treat orphans should heed the following:
    Shemos 22:22 "Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan.

    23 If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry.

    24 My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your
    wives will become widows and your children fatherless.

    Devarim 26:12 When you have finished setting aside a tenth of all your produce in
    the third year, the year of the tithe, you shall give it to the Levite, the
    alien, the fatherless and the widow, so that they may eat in your towns and
    be satisfied.


    Yirmiya 22:3 This is what the LORD says: Do what is just and right. Rescue from
    the hand of his oppressor the one who has been robbed. Do no wrong or
    violence to the alien, the fatherless or the widow, and do not shed
    innocent blood in this place.

    It's revolting to think that there are 'black hat' people in shiddichus who won't date a girl because her father is no longer alive. That's fooling around not with d'rabbonons but with d'oraysas.