Monday, June 22, 2009

A Working Girl

Career girl and Shidduch Maidel- two diametric opposites.

After a day at the office, getting dressed up for a date isn't enough. A major personality switch is needed too.
I lock the screen, pull off my ID card, breathe in, breathe out, and shift gears. Body language, tone of voice, that changes automatically. Next comes the attitude.

Work: Get across that you’re wrong, and I'm right, without actually saying so. It should be obvious that my idea is the one we should use, how could you ever suggest otherwise.
Date: Give the impression I think you're amazing and brilliant. I totally agree with everything you say. In fact you're what I've been looking for my whole life.

Work: Be assertive, without raising my voice. Sound firm and uncompromising.
Date: Be soft, pliant and feminine. Flutter eyelashes occasionally. I don't know how I ever managed without you, opening doors is just so hard on my own.

Work: Sell myself. Do nothing without proper recognition and reward. Rattle off past years achievements and accomplishments to management.
Date: Be modest. Nothing I do can compare to your Torah learning. I think it's incredible that you've been in Yeshiva your whole life, while all lowly women like I can do is have kids, housekeep and make a living.

Work: Take control. Get stuff ticking. Don't wait for problems to solve themselves.
Date: Be laid back, easy going, chilled. Whatever happens, happens. I know I can trust you to take care of things.

Work: Show off technical know-how at every opportunity. Litter conversation with technical terms and the latest buzz words.
Date: Don't admit to knowledge or interest in any technical or scientific field. It's not feminine.

Work: Be brief and to the point.
Date: Milk a story for all it's worth, I've got another couple of hours to burn here with you.

Work: Try to sound brainy. The smarter the better.
Date: Don't want to sound nerdy. Smart is not cool.

Work: Avoid mentioning religion, it's controversial and not politically correct.
Date: Do pepper conversation with declarations of faith in the Lord (Baruch Hashem! Beezrat Hashem!) and the latest in Yeshivish slang. Make it clear how frum you are.

It's a Jekyll and Hyde thing. No wonder the frum world doesn't want women to have careers. Pity they also want us to support our husbands in learning. You can't have it both ways.


  1. Try this book it should help you

    The Surrendered Single: A Practical Guide to Attracting and Marrying the Man Who's Right for You

  2. that's very clever. You should probably try to be more true to yourself on a date and the right man will still want to marry you. You don't need to talk techno-slang but you don't need to go the extremem femenine side eaither. If you fake it, you could chas v'shalom end up with the wrong guy. And if the real you is the very feminine, modest aidel girl, you need to get a new job so you don't get corrupted.

  3. I don't think it has to be this way. I think there can be a balance in both worlds. There is no demand to be the archetype of the shidduch personality, or the work personality. You can be whoever you want to be. Part of being an individual person is balancing the outside influences so that the people you associate with do not become how you truly define who you are.

  4. I have news for you. If you waant to have a happy marriage you will have to change your pesonalityy every day from work to home. Men like a surrendered wife.

  5. I disagree. I’d much rather meet your “work” persona; she sounds way more interesting. I like smart women, especially if they are into science.

  6. OldEnuf2beURfatherJune 28, 2009 at 12:43 PM

    Your post raised a smile of recognition of these issues of course - but by-and-large I think you are wrong. Your bashert is living in the 21st century and I'm sure he can cope with the "daytime" you. In fact, take care you don't put off your real bashert with all that eyelash fluttering...

  7. I hope that's a joke. If that's your approach you'll hate every guy who likes you.

    A girl told me on the phone before our 2nd date "Be yourself, because the people who care don't matter and the people who matter don't care."

    Today's our 5th anniversary.

  8. Funny, but ichhhhhss....Please don't do that on dates, you'll turn your bashert off, and they won't even give you a second date. Because they're not looking for a sweet, sticky-dripping, honey-coated, stereotypical girl who thinks that way- they're looking for your work personality.

  9. I have been experimenting with similar ideas myself. I feel more relaxed and happier in dating when I let him take care of things, and yet I didn't feel like I connected closely with either guy where I just let things happen. See the book "Why he didn't call you back". It's about exactly whaty ou posted about.

  10. Also: nothing wrong with being careful with first impressions. You can still be yourself without making a first impression that fits into a stereotype that isn't you either. So maybe you aren't normally so agreeable, but you also aren't an argumentative person who is stressful to be around.

  11. General rule: If you're "faking it" on dates, then it isn't going to work out. Hopefully before the wedding.


  12. I like this article. Any scrubs lovers out there ?

    see link:

  13. Dude/Gal. I love your name. And Awesome link.

  14. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  15. After reading several posts here, I really think you are dating the wrong guys. You need to stop being who they want you to be and start do your own thing. This is YOUR life.

  16. Nice article thanks Orgolove for sharing youtube link that video is really awesome.