I could buy a Sheitel and a ring, and move to a place where no one knows me. I could say my husband is a Masmid, and learns in Kollel night and day, and thus explain away his absence. I could have a baby, and raise him on my own. I could stop waiting for the right man, and skip to the next stage. I could be a mother, before I'm a wife.
I won't, of course. But sometimes I want to.
I told my theory to the guy I was dating, when we sat on the grass one night.
"First you think marriage is about having a permanent boy friend, and it's not."
Teenagers also want to get married. They want a boy to give them red roses and heart shaped candies. They want a boy to tell them he loves them. They want the romance, and the relationship. But marriage should be about giving, not taking. They aren't there yet. If they do get married their relationship will have to mature, after the Chuppah, for it to last.
"Then you think marriage is about giving to each other, building a relationship. That's closer, but still not enough."
When I started dating, I was nineteen. I wanted to get married, but secretly also hoped I could push off having kids for a couple of years.
"When you actually want to have children, that's when you know for sure that you're ready for marriage, ready to build a home"
I can't put my finger on the exact moment when it all changed. It happened gradually, I suppose.
You may say that it's peer pressure, being surrounded on all sides by strollers and pacifiers.
You may say it's my biological clock beginning to tick louder.
I think that it's age, maturity. Reaching that stage where you want to love without limits, where you want to be a parent, and raise a child.
You're scared, it's a big responsibility, but you feel ready for it, ready to be a mother.
And now I'm past the stage of readiness, I've reached the stage of impatience, of longing.
I hold out my finger, and a baby grasps it and wraps his little hand around it. I read a story about a stuffed elephant to a chubby toddler, she smiles and repeats the words. "Kick" I tell the six year old, showing her how to swing all by herself.
The right guy hasn't showed up yet. But I want to be a mother. I wonder what would happen if I could buy a Shaitel and a ring, and move to a place where no one knows me...
5 hours ago