Monday, April 12, 2010

I need friends

I say the words, silently, hear them echo in my mind. There's no cause for self pity, but I do have to face the facts.

I need friends, new friends.

I'm a fresh yet quintessential loner. My free-time options are being home alone, or being in town alone.

I've perfected the art of eating alone; buying a French crepe on Ben- Yehudah, spread with chocolate and nuts, and nibbling at it as I window shop. That's better than finding an empty table at the pizza place, watching the other people there, eves-dropping on their conversations, while biting and chewing down a necessary supper as fast as possible.

How did I get here, to this lonely place? I may not be a social butterfly, but I'm no sociopath either.

And I do have friends! I consider printing it in bold marker pen letters on a folded piece of cardboard, placing it by me as I eat alone. "I have friends." Just they are married you see. Almost all of them. They can't hang out any more.

I never bothered to make new friends, when the old ones cleared the ranks. Because I didn't need new friends, my current ones were great, so what if they were married? Soon I'd be married too and we could go shopping for Shaitels together. Besides, changed marital status is no reason to end a friendship.

And when do I even have the time, the opportunity, for meeting new girls? Every spare moment, every gram of physical and emotional energy, goes on meeting guys.

I sometimes bump into girls my age, at Shiurim and in Shul. Though I should call them women; they are all married, usually pushing a stroller, or holding a toddler by the hand. They won't go hitchhiking across Europe with me, or even pop out for a milkshake. They are no more use than my old friends.

Perhaps there are single girls out there, hiding in the crevices. Perhaps I should search for them, set out on a mission. Perhaps I should even move from suburban-family-land to central-singles -city, and start bonding with female roomies.

The truth is though, that once I discovered the exciting and exotic other sex, with all its quirks and complexities and endless differences, well, girls just seem boring after that. Too like me. All you end up doing, with girls, is talking about guys.

But guys aren't the solution either. The guys I date, they come and go. The other guys, the platonic friendship ones, they often end up being complicated, or even just akward when I'm dating someone else. In any case, I can't go to Europe with a guy, I can't go shopping with him, or swimming at the beach.

I need friends, new friends, girl friends.

But I don't know where to find them. And I'm not trying very hard. Because I don't want them. I want a new guy friend. A husband friend. A friend who's forever.


  1. I'm in the same boat, all of my close friends are married now and there's no one to take fun trips with and stuff like that. I'm not that interested in making new friends, getting married sounds much better.

  2. Oh my gosh, do you live inside my head?

    I could have written this. Today.

  3. Frum, I SO hear you! If it makes you feel any better, many of my friends are single, but they're busy with school and/or work and don't want to travel and do fun stuff.

  4. All my not-yet-frum friends are always working/college and now my frum friends are starting to date get married. I guess this is an opportunity to concentrate more on learning...
    not sure what girls are meant to do :-X
    more and more and more chesed?

  5. I'm not the only one!

  6. I'm SO with you. Great post.

  7. The last thing you need are yet more girl friends.
    You need a man. Period.
    Terrifying but true.

  8. How true this statement is. There is no place in the frum world that is fitting for single post sem woman (and forget about it when you become an older single!). Either your too old for seminary too taboo to start living your own life and too nebachy to continue going around your married friends and families. But living in a so called singles community is no better. You slack on the things, the competition stares at you in your face, you worry about fitting in this temporary place and end up feeling worse.
    For once it would be nice to not have to explain my story, deal with 'sympathetic' sighs and smiles, or even have to defend my singlehood. Great post!

  9. as someone else wrote above - "do u live in my head?!" i feel exactly the same. shame i dont live in israel...

  10. The way I see it, *ahem*, you need three things to have a healthy life and mind: A wife, a job, and friends (put simply). Which is why I think it's unusual for married people to abandon their friends. I mean, besides for the fact that hanging out with same-sex friends is a social necessity, the "change of scenery" also strengthens your relationship with your spouse...

  11. I think one of the best ways to meet guys is through your girlfriends. Ideally, your girlfriends are on a similar page in life. Also, they have other friends besides you, that are also looking for similar things out of life. You never know.

    Sometimes it's easier to meet girlfriends, there's less pressure. Plus, while you are looking for basharit you have fun people to do things with. It feels less like waiting when you have people around you.

    My advice would be to take some of the pressure off yourself, stop looking for him right now and look for a few hers.

    P.S. My dating life is not going well, so I'm spending a lot of time on my friendships and professional life. - That's where my advice comes from.

  12. Tell me about it.

  13. You might want to look for people with similar interests to you. Maybe something like (Maybe there's an Israeli version of that site since there's only one Israeli meetup group on there currently.)

    Finding women (and maybe even men) interested in what you like, would help you find a make friends.

    Good luck!

  14. Ok, so I identify with this a lot, but um, why can't married friends still hang out with you? I vow to never ditch my single friends when I get married (ok, bli neder). Meanwhile, you'll be a lot more attractive if you have more of a social life, so don't just wait around to get married.