Sunday, May 17, 2009

Good - Bad- Good (not my usual style)

Layers.

On the surface I'm a saint. However hard I try to look hot, sexy, rebellious, I always end up giving off the same good–Bais-Yaacov-girl vibes. Frum, sweet, innocent, that's me.

Yet underneath lie all the needs, the wants. The guys I'd flirt with if I could work up the nerve. The times I've done more than that, and let's not go there. The mini skirts and tight jeans I'd love to wear. The Brachos I usually forget to say, the Davening I often miss. The times I've thought "Oh,what the hell!", and rifled through my Muktzah purse on Shabbos, to fish out earrings, or a key. The god I get angry with, sometimes. The god I forget about, or try to, when there are things I want more.

A hypocrite, I was scared of being. Bad under good, wants under wishes.

But I don't think I am. A hypocrite, that is. Because underneath it burns that flame. That holy-light-inside-every-Jew thing, of Carlebach songs and Chasidic tales. The me looking for truth, the me who stocks a shelf with Rav Hirsh's and Rav Dessler, between the Grishams and the Archers. The me who on rare occasions actually manages to pray, for real. The me that cares, that loves.

We hear about two forces, good and evil, having their little battles inside us. But I think there are three. Good, then bad, then good.

2 comments:

  1. I liked that post. Reminds me of myself. I look really really innocent and people consider me a good girl yet the things I have gotten up to... But, I still consider myself good. I dont consider myself a hyprocrite either. I think thats where people go wrong since no one is perfect and although I do things I shouldnt do that doesnt mean I should stop keeping everything and believing in everything. I know where I want to be one day but its difficult getting there. Life is too much fun being young and single.. ;)

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  2. Hey there FF. This is one of the most interesting and honest posts I have read. I think we are all like that on a certain level - you did a great job of setting out it out in a way that was short, sharp and oh-so-true.

    I'd love to chat with you about this topic (and others) if you've got some time. Let me know.

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