Frum N' Flipping

I caress them. Perfection. They have eluded me for years. The vision of dreams. Found, after months of searching in the malls of the holy land. I slip them on. The shoes I've always wanted. I admire my reflection in front of the narrow pine mirror. There is something about a good pair of heels that can make even a covers-the-knee-when-sitting-down-skirt look hot (or so I'm hoping, at least) I teeter off to shul. After davening I practice my chatting-up skills. Standing by the bulletin board, pretending to scan the shiurim schedule, I strike up a conversation. By the end of it we've arranged to meet at the first shiur of the night. (For those who think aidel bais yaacov girls have no opportunity for flirting, let me correct the misconception. We flirt just as much, but with stout middle aged women, instead of young cute guys. We dress the look, talk the talk, walk the walk. Learn how to make eye contact, smile, joke, exchange telephone numbers. Every woman is a potential m...

Layers. On the surface I'm a saint. However hard I try to look hot, sexy, rebellious, I always end up giving off the same good–Bais-Yaacov-girl vibes. Frum, sweet, innocent, that's me. Yet underneath lie all the needs, the wants. The guys I'd flirt with if I could work up the nerve. The times I've done more than that, and let's not go there. The mini skirts and tight jeans I'd love to wear. The Brachos I usually forget to say, the Davening I often miss. The times I've thought "Oh,what the hell!", and rifled through my Muktzah purse on Shabbos, to fish out earrings, or a key. The god I get angry with, sometimes. The god I forget about, or try to, when there are things I want more. A hypocrite, I was scared of being. Bad under good, wants under wishes. But I don't think I am. A hypocrite, that is. Because underneath it burns that flame. That holy-light-inside-every-Jew thing, of Carlebach songs and Chasidic tales. The me looking for truth, ...

Take nice sweet aidel innocent Chareidi girls, put them on facebook, and what do you get? D-A-N-G-E-R Not because they hook up with guys, not because their photos are up there for the whole world to see. They simply have no sense of what-not-to-post-in-public. On my B-Day, my wall gets filled up with posts wishing me "Find a Chassan soon!", "Meet your Besherte this year!" I mean, have you ever? No pressure or anything.. As it is my less chareidi friends think my society is insane, this will only confirm it. What next, shidduch suggestions on my wall? Oh yeah, and I've even been asked to join a Sheitel Macher fan club.

I'm tired of sticking my hair under the shower head, rinsing off the shampoo, pulling through a comb, stepping outside, and having to prove to the world that, no, I'm not wearing a wig, and yes, it's my own hair. If it looks good- it's obviously a top of the range wig. If you're having a bad hair day- it must be you're wearing last year's wig, which got singed while you were slaving over the kitchen stove. Whatever I do to my hair, whatever look I pick- long, short, straight, curly - people keep on assuming it’s a wig! I thought of going for the green hair with spikes look, but I doubt that would help. Don't Purim wigs look something like that? "What’s your maiden name?" Asks the random lady I've just met and am making small talk with, in the hopes she'll set me up with the love of my life. "Do you have kids?" asks the old classmate I bump into in town. I guess if 90% of the Charedi female population over 19 is wandering arou...

"His Mom wants to see your picture". "No way. Sorry, I don't do pictures" "She says she won't show him, it's only for her to see." "She can ask everyone what I look like; height, weight, hair color, eye color, length of nose, promince of cheekbones, whatever she wants. " "No, that's not good enough. She says her son wants to date a clever girl, and most clever girls are ugly. So she needs to check." Have you ever?! Intelligent Women of the World, let us unite.

19th Century- Yente the Shadchan. 20th Century-The Resume. For the 21st century- The Shidduch DVD! More graphic, more interactive, more in depth coverage. Wait, should I be telling you this before I've patented it? OK, I confess, I've never actually written a shidduch resume. (The first time I heard of them, I was sure it was a joke.) I did write out an email with all my "info", a couple of weeks ago. A woman at work wanted "details". Plus the required phone numbers of friends, family friends, and rabbis. So I wrote it all out, and pressed send. A few days later, someone else at work wanted the same "info". "No problem!", I said. This time all I needed to do was press forward. So here I am, pressing forward every couple of days, and thinking I've got the "finding out" stage covered. Then it struck me. Text documents are so out of date. I mean, how much can words in black and white convey? What every girl in Shidduchim nee...

Charedim are anti Zionist, right? I mean everyone knows that. So how come black hats have been spotted, near picnic tables and grilling meat?! This on Yom Ha'azmaut itself, no less. Perhaps they got the date mixed up with Lag Ba'omer? Let us be Dan LeKaf Zchus. Casual investigation amongst friends turns up the fact that the majority of us celebrated Y.A this Wednesday, with the traditional family BBQ. Me: "So, we had this party, well actually a BBQ, everyone's on vacation you see.." Her: "Oh, us too. We do every year. Just because of it being a vacation, of course.." This year we even invited the neighbors, him a black hatted Kollel Avreich and all. We were a trifle scared of ruining my Shidduch reputation, but decided to risk it. They were keen on the idea, and promised to still say I'm Charedi, the next time someone calls to "find out" about me. I wonder if this is going on in the heart of Bnai Brak too? It's certainly happening in ...