"Frum or Modern?"
"Can't I be both?"
"You know what I mean."
"Frum", I type. Can't get away from it, even on the Web.
"No." I sigh. Close the private message window. On second thoughts, open it again. What the hell.
"Cool. But you're married of course. What's wrong with her?Too many pregnancies?"
"No, just I felt like a change. One woman,for all these years, same body, same positions. It loses it's excitement"
"So, what are you wearing ,baby?" . I know where that's leading to. I close the window. There are ten other minimized windows, flashing neon orange , I'll concentrate on those guys.
Why do I chat?
I used to think it was for male contact. All girl school, all girl camps, no brothers the right ages to bring friends over and turn our home into an unnoficial hangout, no friends with cute older brothers, basically, no guys at all. I could have gone semi off the derech and "hung out" with guys , but there weren't any cute american rebel types in the neighborhood. I didn't fancy the spiky, greasy and bleached blonde "franks" lounging by the makolet. Plus I didn't really know how to do it. Go off the derech I mean.
So instead I chatted. Americans, Israelis, all teenagers. Met a couple, nothing major.
Then I went to Sem. Flipped out. No men, no movies, no "A/S/L"ing. I'll meet my besherte on a shidduch date, one day, no need for anyone else.
And now? I spend my most of my waking hours surrounded by men, between work and dating . The inner workings of their mind no longer fascinate me, nor does a behind the scenes of yeshiva life. I've heard more than I ever want to or need to about yeshivas, while sipping the customary cokes. Why come home and turn on the computer? Why log in and start the old A/S/L game again?
Is it for the flirting? Could be. Although I do that at work, in a low key way, (no "what are you wearing?"s there.)
Loneliness? Nah, friends are one thing in life i've been lucky with.
Boredom? No, with a career, studies, dating, travelling, and just plain living, my life is pretty full.
I think it's for the anonymity,a way to chill, to vent, to be myself. No pretense, no facades. In some ways the internet is more real than real life. The virtual world goes by what they say, not on how they look or what they wear, not on how they speak or where they live. Yeah, real life can be pretty shallow. Especially chareidi life.
Or is it addiction? The dreaded word. Maybe it is.
What do you think?
5 hours ago