Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The "Who-She-Dated" Blacklist

I try not to be a typical newlywed. In fact, I never really liked newlyweds, caught up in their own little blissful worlds.

One common newlywed trait is matchmaking. And for newlywed bloggers- the complaining that goes with it. Suddenly singles are "pushy" and "picky" and "ungrateful" I swore never to switch roles quite so drastically, and I hope I'll stand by my word.

But yes, I am guilty of being a newlywed; of the type eager to make matches. And some things really do get me upset.

True fact - We don't know who we are going to marry until we marry them.

I have lots of different types of friends; some are loud, some are quiet, some are shark and some more easy going; basically every friend is different.

And that's normal. Most of us have more than one friend, and usually our friends are not identical.

In other words, we get on with all sorts of people.

So why, when it comes to dating, is there a perception that a girl can only date one type of person. And if a girl went out with a guy who's not exactly the same as you, then obviously you can't go out with her. Because "If she went out with Shimon she can't be right for me".

Clarification: She only dated Shimon, she didn't marry him. And it was a blind date at that. Maybe she dumped him after one date? And even if she didn't, even if she - shock-horror -dated him seriously, why does that rule her out for you?

Your friend Yitzy is friends with Shimon and with you. Why can't a girl go out with and get along with Shimon and with you? (Obviously not simultaneously)

I keep hearing the same line. "But she went out with him. She can't be right for me." Who knew drinking coca-cola with a guy boycotts a girl for life?

This is my first Shadchan rant. Sorry for crossing over to the dark side.


  1. several years ago I got set up with a guy who turned out to be a close friend of someone else I'd dated a few years before. in our first phone conversation the guy said to me "but you went out with my friend and we're so different." an acute observation. while he was more spiritually and chasidut minded, his friend was far more down to earth. he wondered how I could date someone like his friend and then go on to date him. I outright said to him "but we dated and broke up. it didn't work out!" I'm with you. I really don't understand the mindset of only dating a "type". sure, when searching for your spouse ou're looking for someone with whom you share values and a certain hashkafa and that may mean the people you date share similarities. however, we acknowledge that in every other aspect of our lives we can foster close relationships with different types of people. it seems silly to me that we don't extend this outlook when dating. if it were true that people could only date a single type of person then (lo aleinu) those who lost a spouse and devorcees would be limited in finding a new spouse exactly like their previous one and we know that this is not the case.

  2. "You don't know the power of the dark side!"

    Welcome to the Dark Side. ASoG and I have been struggling with this sort of thing for a while now as shadchanim... it's a strange feeling to be on the other side of things. I'm personally a big fan of people setting up their friends with a guy/girl they've gone out with who turned out not to be the one. It was how I met ASoG after all. I've heard Rav Willig at YU remark that he is a big proponent of it.

    I completely agree with you regarding how frustrating these seemingly mindless, unreasonable refusals can be. One of the biggest problems that contributes to the ongoing "shidduch crisis" is people self-imposing limits on their options of who they go out with. It's a foolhardy tactic in my mind, and they're the ones who end up sitting on the couch with no date to go on and no spouse to care for.

  3. Everyone has some craziness. Every married couple has to get over that craziness to get married.

    Every single person has it. Part of the process -whether that's dating, or growth/maturity, or just aging -is getting over that ridiculousness.

    And then, there are some people who never do. That's really their own choice, though.

  4. If you're going to be a shadchan, I'll give you a few tips (although it's not clear to me why one suddenly becomes qualified on marriage. I'm single and have made shidduchim).

    The reason the person gives you for not wanting to go out with someone is not necessarily the real reason. Also, the first rule of shadchanus should be "do no harm". You make a suggestion, that is all. They can take it or leave it. You're not in marketing. If Hashem wants these two people to get married, don't worry they will. And remember most of the suggestions people make are wildly off. Best to invite them over on Shabbat with some other people.

  5. yes every one is craziness........... and yes really marries couple is craziness for the marriage but this craziness is remain for the small time and after some time this decrease because no proper sexual relation and some time due to to the disputes problem then link here גירושין