Five ways to show I'm not Pregnant

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1.Throw back shots of whiskey. Liquor will do too. Anythig with high alchohol content. If no drinks are available, complain loudly about lack of booze.

2. Tell tall tales of extreme sports. Recent bungee jumps or skydiving is best. If the most adventurous you've been is walking up the steps insead of taking the elevator, lie loudly or make fictitious plans for next week.

3.Ostentatiously carry packs of feminine hygiene products into bathroom. Enough said. 

4. Ask to be the kvatter at a Brit

5. Leave a packet of contraceptive pills lying around

What not to do:

- Wearing tunic tops or any form of baggy clothes is stricly forbidden. Wear tight and form fitting clothes only. (Sorry rabbi.)

- Never be sick, Ever. If you are sick, don't tell anybody. Nausea is off limits, whatever virus you have.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Comments

  1. MarkApril 29, 2012 at 4:45 AM

    You forgot one!

    6. Have a few-weeks old baby in your arms :-)

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousApril 29, 2012 at 8:53 PM

    Mark, my sister is eleven months younger than me. Not sure how far that "few week old" trick will get you.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Shades of GreyApril 30, 2012 at 4:43 AM

    4 is just asking for trouble though. Based on the other #'s it seems as though you're A) Not pregnant and B) Not trying to get pregnant at the moment.

    We've already been kvatters twice, once on our 1st anniversary!!! I occasionally get asked to do p'sicha, which of course is usually limited to husbands of expecting wives - and I always make sure to tell the gabbai to not do this so regularly... it's definitely awkward.

    ReplyDelete
  4. MarkApril 30, 2012 at 4:53 AM

    Anon (10:53), sure, but most of the problem is when people do this before the first child. After you already have one child, most people suddenly get less interested in your possible pregnancy and move on to the other newly married couples to annoy them :-)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Frum N' FlippingMay 1, 2012 at 4:48 PM

    Tibi Singer from the Jewish Press gave me a great suggestion- smoking cigarettes!

    http://www.jewishpress.com/indepth/blogs/jblogs/jblogs-five-ways-to-show-im-not-pregnant-and-then-some/2012/05/01/

    ReplyDelete

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