Sunday, December 6, 2009

The Matchmaker Diaries: Prologue

She looks nervous. Pretty, but nervous. I wouldn't be caught dead in a suit, and I told her as much last night, when she laid it out on the bed, but it does make her look older somehow. Grown up.

If only she wouldn't keep latching and unlatching her hands together, and would stop with the lip biting. At this rate that shiny lipgloss will be worn right off, before he even arrives.
Is that him? A tall, black suited figure is approaching. I can't make out the face beneath the hat. My angle is wrong. The postcard stand spins around, as I push past it. I catch it from toppling over, just in time.

"Can I help you?" The woman behind the counter does not seem very pleased with me. I've already spent as long as humanly possibly, inspecting every souvenir in the store. I obviously am not about to make a purchase. She's losing patience. I had better leave.

Standing in the doorway, I check out the scene. He's saying something to her. He must be the one. Neither of them is looking in my direction. I make a dash for the opposite doorway.

Inside H.Stern, I lean against the wall, relieved. I haven't been spotted, I'm pretty sure of that. Outside I can see them still talking. He's gesturing now, pointing at a corner of the lobby. She follows him over to a pair of sofas, perches on the edge of one, lays down the shiny purse. He sits at right angles to her. He takes off the black hat, places it carefully on a vacant chair.

A saleswoman approaches me. I avoid her gaze, peer intently at a nearby display cabinet. The jewels inside glitter back at me. I straighten up, trying to look like I regularly go shopping for diamonds, like a potential customer. I don't want to be thrown out of the store before I've completed my mission. It's too risky to stand outside, in the open and wide exposed lobby. Bracha would never forgive me if she caught me spying on them.

Well, spying is too harsh a word. Seeing a job through to its end, that's what I call it. I mean, I set them up. I did all the phoning and persuading. I want to see the pieces fall into place.

Good. They are smiling now. Laughing. I think this is going to work. Time to move on.

The problem with trying to write a novel, is that I miss the feedback. What's been getting me to write is you guys. The comments, the responses, you're great! And I miss it when I plod through my chapters. So I thought I'd give this a try. Introducing my new serial story: "The Matchmaker Diaries". Please, please, nudge me and nag me and beg me for the next installment. Maybe this way I'll actually write it!

8 comments:

  1. sounds like an intriguing book..
    can't wait for the next chapter!!

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  2. Do it!! I love it already. When are you posting the next chapter?

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  3. More! More!!!
    BTW: sounds like the setting is the Inbal Hotel - is this true?
    Anon613-London

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  4. I'm nudging and nagging and begging!

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  5. I thought that was an actual true story...

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  6. I'm certainly no editor, but you're asking for positive critical feedback. Firstly, let me say that I thoroughly enjoy what is overall fantastic writing. But here are some thoughts to consider...

    -The writing is a little too disjointed in times and places. I had to read it through twice before I understood it properly.
    -Your prose is a little too inconsistant. It's too much a mix of observation, 1st person narrative, themes.
    -Can you mention a name like "H. Stern"? Maybe rather give a generic "jewelry store" description.
    -Your style is a little too undecided. If it's humor, be a little more humorous. If quirky, the story is too plainly explained. Spend a little longer developing the descriptive scenes.
    -Also consider, that if this book is intended for general public reading ($$$), then the more charedi parts of the background of the story need to be better explained.

    I realise that this is an early and out of context prologue, but it would require quite a bit of cleaning up for a professional publisher.

    But it is good, and fun to read. There's plot, intrigue, relatable peaked emotions. Keep it up! Can't wait for more.

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  7. Thanks Rachel! I really appreciate the feedback. I agree with all the points you raised. The style being undecided part I'll try focusing on more now.

    All the same, I'm not going to go back and fix up chapters before it's "all out". I want the whole thing on paper before I start with the rewriting and polishing.

    You'll have to put up with my rough drafts for the while :-)

    Girl Next Door, not - I'm aiming to be posting episodes twice a week or so.

    Anon613- Inbal it is!

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  8. Just that bit bout H. Sterns- I think you should keep it. I love when writing is specific. "Jewlery store" is so blah. ppl. can relate to "H. Sterns"

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